Photographers today captured the aftermath of a secret meeting that turned ugly between World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz and Lawyerbear. Witnesses say Wolfowitz was interested in hiring Lawyerbear to represent him in the breach of contract lawsuit that is sure to follow the former Bush Administration official’s resignation from the World Bank, a move that is expected any day now. When Lawyerbear turned down the case citing personal ethical issues, the name calling began, culminating in Wolfowitz’s unfounded assertion that Lawyerbear was hiding yellow cake in his cave. The ursine attorney shouted back, “It’s Pillsbury!”

This photo shows Lawyerbear flagging down a ride at meeting’s end. “I had to get out of there before I bit that gentleman’s Neo-con ass,” he said later.

An artist’s depiction of Lawyerbear arguing for the plaintiff in the landmark 1963 wrongful death civil suit, The Estate of “Bar” v. The Estate of  David Crockett. The jury ultimately decided in favor of the plantiff, despite arguments by defense lawyer Phinneas McDugal (pictured in humorously anachronistic clothing) that at the time of the incident, the defendant “was only three”.

“Juan J. Dominguez” is a nom de cour that allows Spanish speakers to feel more comfortable with being represented by a bear that is a lawyer.

LAWYERBEAR: There’s an interesting fact about bears you may not be aware of, Mr. Jones. We can smell lies.

Lawyerbear starts sniffing and moves closer to the witness stand.

And I’m getting quite a stench from you.

OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection!

LAWYERBEAR: Leans in close to witness, snuffling.
Quite a stench indeed.

OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection!

JUDGE: Sustained. Counselor, you will restrain yourself!

Lawyerbear slowly backs away from the witness, but not before baring his teeth and growling one last time.

MR. JONES: All right! All right! I confess! I did it! I killed Old Man Edwards, cut his body apart with Mrs. Paulson’s hedge shears, and buried him in her rose garden! I did it!

He breaks down sobbing.

Please don’t eat me.

Pandemonium erupts in the courtroom. The gallery and the jury start talking. The judge bangs his gavel repeatedly. Lawyerbear turns to face the judge.

LAWYERBEAR: The defense rests.

SIMPKINS:  Of course we have a case.  How can we…why would you say we don’t have a case.

MARTELLI:  I know the judges in this town.

SIMPKINS:  I don’t know judges?

MARTELLI:  You know judges in Tennessee.  It’s totally different.

SIMPKINS:  We don’t have intellectual property law in Nashville?  We don’t have copyright infringement?

MARTELLI:  You don’t have nuisance suits?  There’s no infringement here.  There’s no loss of revenue.  You’re just exposing us to ridicule and risking our standing in the profession.

SIMPKINS:  There’s loss of revenue, all right.  This is clearly a deliberate attempt to create confusion in the minds of consumers.  There’s no free speech provision for that, not even under parody.

MARTELLI:  I’m telling you, it’s a totally different thing he’s doing.  The judges in this town will throw you out on  your ass.

SIMPKINS:  How is it different?  Explain to me how it’s different.

MARTELLI:  He’s Bear Lawyer.  We’re Lawyerbear.

SIMPKINS:  …and?

MARTELLI:  We got one thing:  a bear who’s a lawyer.  He could be any number of things:  a lawyer for bears, a lawyer against bears, a lawyer who specializes in bear-related cases, a lawyer named Bear…

SIMPKINS:  You gotta be kidding me.  It’s weak.  I say we roll the dice and shut that bastard down.

MARTELLI:  I say it’s a fool’s errand and we’d be crazy to do it.

SIMPKINS:  Well, it’s not up to you, is it?

MARTELLI:  No.  And it’s not up to you, either.

SIMPKINS:  Well, boss?  What’s the verdict?

LAWYERBEAR:  GARAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH

View full-sized here.

4/2/07

To: Kevin Church, April Sloof, Bob Shaye
From: Alvin Coolidge
Re: Lawyerbear: The Move Script Notes

Thanks for the opportunity to throw my two cents in on this script, guys.

First off, Kevin, let me say: I think it’s great. I wouldn’t change a THING.

Here are a few suggestions:

–Love interest. I understand the instinct to have Lawyerbear fall in love with a human woman–a GREAT part for a Scarlett Johansen or Maggie Gyllenhall–but what about a character with more long-term merchandising potential?

I’ve got my guys in design working on a mock-up of Ally McEel, who I think would make a great romantic foil for our Lawyerbear. Plus, there’s some legitimate character tension there: Usually, Lawyerbear might EAT an eel. What happens when he falls in love with one?

–Action. Lawyerbear’s a lawyer who is a bear. I get that. And sure, the courtroom scenes crackle. Judge Horsey McEquine is a GREAT adversary for Lawyerbear. That doesn’t mean we can’t spice things up with some action scenes. I’m craving a sequence where Lawyerbear takes down some poachers in the woods who are threatening his fellow bears, or a scene where Lawyerbear is in a local bar, just trying to enjoy a beer after work, and he ends up having to eat the arms off a couple of redneck thugs who are making unwanted sexual advances against a local girl. The local girl–there’s another candidate for love interest. Maybe a part for Jessica Simpson?

–Have you given any thought to the soundtrack? Jessica and I are tight (we play in the Tuesday night bowling league together at Lucky Strike on Hollywood and Highland) and she slipped me a copy of some tracks she’s working up. One of them, “Hot & Scared,” just BEGS to be rewritten as “Laywerbear.” Check these lyrics, yo:

Lawyerbear
You caught me unprepared
Just stroke my wet, wet hair
And I am hot

That’s got top forty all over it.

–Laywerbear’s family. How do his parents feel about Lawyerbear going off to law school and joining the human world? Do his parents have personalities too? What if his mom is a bear, but his dad is Danny DeVito? Danny’s a personal friend–just say the word and I’ll make the call.

–Love to see a cameo by Shatner as Denny Crane from Boston Legal. Bill and I do Sunday horse training together–again, just say the word.

That’s it at the moment. I’m gonna keep noodling on this, send you more when I have it.

Thanks.

Alvin

A legal ursine
No, not your average bear
Defending your rights

Retain him with fish
Perhaps a bit of honey
You won’t be sorry

A bear by your side
To help plead your innocence
Is not a bad thing