“Juan J. Dominguez” is a nom de cour that allows Spanish speakers to feel more comfortable with being represented by a bear that is a lawyer.

No matter what you’ve read on sites such as AICN,  Lawyerbear is not appearing in the upcoming Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.  It is another bear, one who is not a lawyer.

LAWYERBEAR: There’s an interesting fact about bears you may not be aware of, Mr. Jones. We can smell lies.

Lawyerbear starts sniffing and moves closer to the witness stand.

And I’m getting quite a stench from you.

OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection!

LAWYERBEAR: Leans in close to witness, snuffling.
Quite a stench indeed.

OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection!

JUDGE: Sustained. Counselor, you will restrain yourself!

Lawyerbear slowly backs away from the witness, but not before baring his teeth and growling one last time.

MR. JONES: All right! All right! I confess! I did it! I killed Old Man Edwards, cut his body apart with Mrs. Paulson’s hedge shears, and buried him in her rose garden! I did it!

He breaks down sobbing.

Please don’t eat me.

Pandemonium erupts in the courtroom. The gallery and the jury start talking. The judge bangs his gavel repeatedly. Lawyerbear turns to face the judge.

LAWYERBEAR: The defense rests.

SIMPKINS:  Of course we have a case.  How can we…why would you say we don’t have a case.

MARTELLI:  I know the judges in this town.

SIMPKINS:  I don’t know judges?

MARTELLI:  You know judges in Tennessee.  It’s totally different.

SIMPKINS:  We don’t have intellectual property law in Nashville?  We don’t have copyright infringement?

MARTELLI:  You don’t have nuisance suits?  There’s no infringement here.  There’s no loss of revenue.  You’re just exposing us to ridicule and risking our standing in the profession.

SIMPKINS:  There’s loss of revenue, all right.  This is clearly a deliberate attempt to create confusion in the minds of consumers.  There’s no free speech provision for that, not even under parody.

MARTELLI:  I’m telling you, it’s a totally different thing he’s doing.  The judges in this town will throw you out on  your ass.

SIMPKINS:  How is it different?  Explain to me how it’s different.

MARTELLI:  He’s Bear Lawyer.  We’re Lawyerbear.

SIMPKINS:  …and?

MARTELLI:  We got one thing:  a bear who’s a lawyer.  He could be any number of things:  a lawyer for bears, a lawyer against bears, a lawyer who specializes in bear-related cases, a lawyer named Bear…

SIMPKINS:  You gotta be kidding me.  It’s weak.  I say we roll the dice and shut that bastard down.

MARTELLI:  I say it’s a fool’s errand and we’d be crazy to do it.

SIMPKINS:  Well, it’s not up to you, is it?

MARTELLI:  No.  And it’s not up to you, either.

SIMPKINS:  Well, boss?  What’s the verdict?

LAWYERBEAR:  GARAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH

4/2/07

To: Kevin Church, April Sloof, Bob Shaye
From: Alvin Coolidge
Re: Lawyerbear: The Move Script Notes

Thanks for the opportunity to throw my two cents in on this script, guys.

First off, Kevin, let me say: I think it’s great. I wouldn’t change a THING.

Here are a few suggestions:

–Love interest. I understand the instinct to have Lawyerbear fall in love with a human woman–a GREAT part for a Scarlett Johansen or Maggie Gyllenhall–but what about a character with more long-term merchandising potential?

I’ve got my guys in design working on a mock-up of Ally McEel, who I think would make a great romantic foil for our Lawyerbear. Plus, there’s some legitimate character tension there: Usually, Lawyerbear might EAT an eel. What happens when he falls in love with one?

–Action. Lawyerbear’s a lawyer who is a bear. I get that. And sure, the courtroom scenes crackle. Judge Horsey McEquine is a GREAT adversary for Lawyerbear. That doesn’t mean we can’t spice things up with some action scenes. I’m craving a sequence where Lawyerbear takes down some poachers in the woods who are threatening his fellow bears, or a scene where Lawyerbear is in a local bar, just trying to enjoy a beer after work, and he ends up having to eat the arms off a couple of redneck thugs who are making unwanted sexual advances against a local girl. The local girl–there’s another candidate for love interest. Maybe a part for Jessica Simpson?

–Have you given any thought to the soundtrack? Jessica and I are tight (we play in the Tuesday night bowling league together at Lucky Strike on Hollywood and Highland) and she slipped me a copy of some tracks she’s working up. One of them, “Hot & Scared,” just BEGS to be rewritten as “Laywerbear.” Check these lyrics, yo:

Lawyerbear
You caught me unprepared
Just stroke my wet, wet hair
And I am hot

That’s got top forty all over it.

–Laywerbear’s family. How do his parents feel about Lawyerbear going off to law school and joining the human world? Do his parents have personalities too? What if his mom is a bear, but his dad is Danny DeVito? Danny’s a personal friend–just say the word and I’ll make the call.

–Love to see a cameo by Shatner as Denny Crane from Boston Legal. Bill and I do Sunday horse training together–again, just say the word.

That’s it at the moment. I’m gonna keep noodling on this, send you more when I have it.

Thanks.

Alvin

A legal ursine
No, not your average bear
Defending your rights

Retain him with fish
Perhaps a bit of honey
You won’t be sorry

A bear by your side
To help plead your innocence
Is not a bad thing

(A rough concept using J. Ho’s design and Phoenix Wright.)

The Lawyerbear site, much like the character it’s devoted to, needs more material from you, the devoted fans.

If you’ve created Lawyerbear-related art, written prose featuring Lawyerbear, or have an opinion about the franchise, then send it in!  We’d love to see it and if it’s not too obscene, we’ll stick it up on this here internet site.

You can email the Lawyerbear team at legal(dot)ursine(at)gmail(dot)com, or use the link on the right.

Dear Mr. Bear:

I realize that you’re already well established as a multimedia star in your own right, but we’d like to ask that you consider lending your substantial weight to a new ensemble show we’re developing. NBC is close to approving the hour-long drama, but they felt the pilot was missing something and requested some changes — specifically, they requested you. Most weeks you would only need to appear in a handful of scenes — except during November and February sweeps, of course, when we’d be building entire shows around your character. We’d be happy to negotiate giving you either top billing or “permanent Special Guest Star” status depending on the level of involvement you’d like to have in the property.

Attached please find a promotional image our marketing department created to present to the networks as part of our reworked proposal.

Thank you for your time and consideration, Mr. Bear. We look forward to hearing from you or your representatives soon.

Allen Holt
Director of Development
Ridin’ Coattails Entertainment, Inc.

Normally, I don’t even acknowledge rumors and “leaked images” that have become part of Lawyerbear fandom, but I felt that I had to tackle one of them head on.  Lawyerbear fans who’ve seen the below image may want to go read Christopher Bird’s LiveJournal, where he and I have a frank exchange about MBAlien.  I respect Bird a lot and was a bit saddened to see he’d fallen for an obviously fake image from an overzealous fan.